Colbert Blames USPS’ Bad Business Model on Ben Franklin

Nobody puts it quite like Stephen Colbert.  Needless to say, his take on the USPS financial crisis is quite unique.  He devoted at least half of his show to the topic.  Enjoy his commentary below or read on for the best highlights:

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
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USPS Highlights from the Colbert Report:

“If it’s really first-class mail, why doesn’t my letter get a complimentary cocktail and a hot towel?”

“That’s right. The survival of the post office depends on swift Congressional action. Kisses and waves… Goodbye!”

“Remember, Ben Franklin was the first Postmaster General. So clearly, the whole idea is the mad ramblings of a syphilitic brain. [Colbert impersonating Ben Franklin:]  ‘I know, I’ll glue a pretty little picture on the upper right hand of an envelope. I’ll drop it in a box and two days later it will appear in another box magically across the country. Then I shall fly a kite in a thunderstorm.’” (Watch the video to see Colbert’s final punch line.)

“What kind of business model is the Forever stamp? That’s like Chili’s with their bottomless Coke. By the way, I’ll be back tonight, Chili’s. Daddy’s still thirsty.”

“We do not even need the post office any more, right? Blackberrys are way better. You can’t play BrickBreaker on an envelope… And if grandma wants to send you five dollars, she can FedEx it. Although you might want to send her the five dollars back so she can cover the FedEx $15 minimum.”

Wanna support the USPS? Buy postage stamps featuring Stephen Colbert right on the stamp.

-Sari McConnell at smcconnell@conformer.com

 

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Colbert asks ‘Why Should I Care if the USPS is Here or Not?’

Former postal worker, professor and author Dr. Phil Rubio offers Stephen Colbert two words as to why Americans should care if USPS deserves to continue to exist:  Universal Service.

Stephen Colbert provided his quick-witted commentary:  “The post office is a public private hybrid… controlled by Congress but receives no taxpayer money.  They should flip that.  It should be like Halliburton, which gets lots of taxpayer money and is controlled by no one.” Watch the video below:

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Interested in saving the postal service?  Join the national rally to save the post office on Tuesday September 27th. Get more information… www.Saveamericaspostalservice.org.

-Sari McConnell at smcconnell@conformer.com

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Stephen Colbert Offers Brilliant Solution to the USPS Crisis

For those of you who do not follow The Colbert Report on Twitter, its host Stephen Colbert put in his two cents on solving the USPS financial crisis:

@Stephenathome: Revenue problem, USPS? Have you considered mail trucks that are also ice cream trucks? You’re welcome.

You can also now buy USPS postage stamps featuring Stephen Colbert (see image below) on his website.  I can’t decide which aspect of his offering makes me laugh more… the fact that these $.44 stamps cost almost a buck a piece or the $6.99 you have to pay in postage to get them delivered.

Stephen Colbert commemorates the passing of the U.S. Postal Service with this actual U.S. postage featuring Stephen sending an email to the Post Office. (A "stamp" is a picture you affix to a "letter" before you drop that letter into a "mailbox." Ask your parents, who are probably younger than Stephen.)

The USPS financial crisis sure isn’t funny, but after Stephen Colbert was finished with the subject last night on The Colbert Report (see highlights), even I had to laugh.
-Sari McConnell at smcconnell@conformer.com

 

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Daily Show’s Jon Stewart Takes on the USPS Crisis

Jon Stewart is so good at what he does that I’ll just let him speak for himself.  He delivered 6 minutes of pure comedy last night on the Daily Show in his commentary about the USPS financial crisis.    Here’s the video:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
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Jon Stewart’s Top One-liners:

  • On the USPS shutting down altogether this winter if Congress doesn’t take fast action:  “All it takes is major and fast congressional action?  Let’s just shut that (bleep!) down now and get it over with.”
  • On the Postmaster General Pat Donahoe: “That guy?  That guy looks like he manages a Staples.  Oh, I’m being told that he basically manages a poorly run Staples.”
  • On Senator Claire McCaskill’s suggestion to reinvigorate first-class letter volume by initiating a marketing campaign the value of sending a written a letter to someone you love: “That is the most masterful Jedi-mother guilting I have ever heard.  Claire McCaskill entered the fact that her children don’t write her enough into the Congressional record!  Right now millions of Jewish mothers are giving her a standing ovation.”
  • “Why don’t we just use stamps as adhesive tape?  I just fixed this rip, and it only cost me five dollars (in stamps).”

-Sari McConnell at smcconnell@conformer.com

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Canada Post Switches to Conformer® Mailers

Customer-friendly mailers offer improved functionality and durability for prepaid Xpresspost™ and Priority™ Next A.M. shipments

Conformer Products Inc. is proud to announce that Canada Post, Canada’s largest retail and transportation network, is switching to Conformer products for its Xpresspost™ and Priority™ Next A.M. domestic prepaid envelopes.  The new envelopes are now available across Canada Post’s retail network of over 6,200 postal outlets.

We are delighted that Canada Post will be switching to Conformer products, and we are especially pleased with the results of independent testing.  Before making the decision, Canada Post compared the quality of the Conformer mailer against the current chipboard mailers using a third-party laboratory to analyze strength, size, water repellency and adhesion. The results by Consumer Testing Laboratories showed that the Conformer mailers met all of the quality standards required by Canada Post.

Canada Post offers domestic prepaid envelopes in three different sizes, all of which have now been replaced by new Conformer mailers. The company’s Xpresspost™ and Priority™ Next A.M. mail services resemble those of the USPS Priority mail category.

We are thrilled to add Canada Post to our steadily growing client list.  It will be interesting to see how this new improved product line will compete with the private express mail couriers.  Only time will tell.

USPS, UPS, FedEx, DHL?  Your turn.  Conformer operators are standing by.

-Bob Makofsky at bmakofsky@conformer.com

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USPS Faces Imminent Insolvency

According to the latest, and remarkably candid, report from the U.S. Postal Service, the USPS will be insolvent on September 1.  That’s this Thursday.  Congress and Hurricane Irene have been hogging the recent headlines, making this the biggest underreported story of the year.

Despite operational changes at the USPS the inevitable has happened.  Recent cost-cutting steps have failed to keep postal operations solvent in the face of plummeting mail volume and profitability.

Read the latest analysis from the USPS, an uncharacteristically easy read, to see how the USPS reached this point and how it plans to turn around.  As I’ve said before, the USPS needs Congressional action to regain control of its operations and release itself from the prefunded pension mandate.

Here are some other recommendations to help the USPS improve its viability:

  1. Follow the mail volume. While mail volume has dropped overall, e-commerce has continued to grow. “You can’t email a sweater,” says Maynard Benjamin, President of the Envelope Manufacturers Association, and he’s right.  UPS and FEDEX have been all over this market, but the USPS has failed to promote Priority Mail within the e-commerce industry as aggressively.
  2. Take eco-friendly packaging further. Conformer happens to have recyclable mailers that can replace unrecyclable bubble mailers and space-hogging corrugate boxes.  Because the Conformer mailer conforms to fit the contents, it (1) reduces void spaces, (2) allows USPS to ship more cost effectively and save on fuel, and (3) eliminates the need for filler.
  3. Don’t copy UPS and FEDEX: outsmart them. Canada Post’s Priority Mail service uses prepaid mailers, an example of thinking differently.  Because the mailers are not distributed freely, Canada Post can afford to offer better packaging options (like Conformer mailers) to their customers.  By giving away mailers, the USPS incurs a big expense that may never get monetized (e.g., mailers stashed in every home office in America).  “Free” mailers also forces the USPS to go with the cheapest mailers rather than a packaging assortment that offers added benefit to the consumer.

-Sari McConnell at smcconnell@conformer.com

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Postcard: On a Personal Note

I’ve undertaken a major cleanup of my garage, with a special focus on the boxes of untouched keepsakes that move with me over time.

Photos, yes.  But I didn’t anticipate the letters.  What a find!  I found a series of postcards from my  grandmother’s world travels sent to me as a little girl.  I don’t remember ever reading these.  To see her handwriting and to hear her voice in these notes now that she’s passed away is such a gift.  My storage methods haven’t done these keepsakes any favors but fortunately I’m addressing that just in time.

My husband took a routine business trip to Asia this week, and I told him to send our kids a postcard.  Ephemeral emails and texting erase all future possibility of discovering these important connections again somewhere down the road.

So put a postcard in the mail.  Who knows when it might turn up again?

-Sari McConnell at smcconnell@conformer.com

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Conformer’s Smooth Move of the Day #1

As you can tell from regularly reading my blog postings, I admire companies and professionals who “walk the talk,” no matter what the industry.  So I’ve decided to use this space to recognize the smooth moves I see in my workday that impress me.  (Side Note: A smooth move, if done right, doesn’t need to cost much money to make a big impact.)

So I’m recognizing Emily Keyser at Bayside Printed Products, whom I met at a print industry luncheon last week.  She sent me a personalized printed greeting card after the luncheon as a follow up.  Being in the print and mail industry myself, I have often thought that I should take the extra step and put a printed card in an envelope (vs. email) to make a memorable connection with someone.  But Emily actually took the extra step and promoted the value of print and the USPS while she was at it.  Very smooth move, Emily!

-Sari McConnell at smcconnell@conformer.com

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Paper Stock 101: How Paper and Print Work Together, Part 2

This is a continuation of my juicy interview with Matt Feldman on the relationship between paper stock and print.  See below to link to the first part of the interview.

Conformer:  How does the scoring and folding required to make a folder or mailer impact the paperboard stock?

Feldman: Paper has a grain, so great care should always be taken when designing a product that is going to fold.  Often projects (like folders) require scoring and folding with and against the grain, so designing the printed piece correctly is huge.  Do not penny-pinch the stock when it comes to finishing.  A paperboard stock might print great on a sheet, but if it is brittle or made with too much filler, the risk of cracking during the finishing process goes up exponentially.  It is much more expensive to re-print and re-finish a job the second time than it is to pick a quality stock the first time.

Conformer:  What causes paper to crack?

Feldman: Paper cracking happens when the paper fibers separate and break through the coating.  This happens more frequently with thicker papers like covers and paperboards, and shows up more easily on a richly colored flood-coated printed piece.  Many times designers will compromise their vision of the printed piece because they fear thicker stocks are going to crack.  Printers will warn clients that the stock they choose could crack, and they try to encourage designers to understand the liability.

Conformer:  How does virgin stock perform differently from stock with recycled content? Why?

Feldman: Virgin paper is stronger and more durable.  The strength of virgin fiber will always yield a better finished product from printing to finishing.  Recycled stock is usually a combination of post- and pre-consumer paper fiber that is mixed together.  During the collection process, a tremendous amount of energy is consumed to de-ink, bleach and sanitize the paper fiber.  During the process of collection and chemical enhancement, the paper fibers are being degraded and lose their strength and elasticity.  The end result is poorer performance when creating a printed piece and more waste to produce that project.

Matthew Feldman is too modest to tell you himself, but he’s done a pretty fabulous job of launching Xtreme Coated Cover, which just happens to be a coated PEFC-certified paperboard stock that won’t crack on the fold.  That’s why he knows what he’s talking about… Thanks, Matt!

Missed the first part of my interview with Matt Feldman?  Click here for Part 1.

Sari McConnell at smcconnell@conformer.com

 

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Paper Stock 101: How Paper and Print Work Together

Matthew Feldman is a good friend of Conformer and, as CEO of Millmar Paper, knows a heck of a lot about paper stock, particularly as it relates to print.  He has established himself as a true industry innovator with the clever launch of Xtreme Coated Cover, and we’re thrilled to share his expertise with you.

Conformer:  What are the primary characteristics of paper?

Feldman:  Paper’s four main characteristics are fiber structure, coating, whiteness and brightness.  Superior fiber structure is the most important characteristic because it has the greatest impact on the finished product.  A smooth fiber structure will produce a clean and exact reproduction of the design.  A smooth and even coating will then assist in producing the desired effect of the design.  Whiteness and brightness usually are a measure of how white the unprinted paper is and how light will reflect off of the paper.

Conformer:  How do each of these characteristics play a role in how ink interacts with the paper?

Feldman: Ink will sit up on a coated sheet of paper.  A gloss coating, being the hardest of the coatings, is designed to block the ink from penetrating the paper fibers.  As coatings lessen, like a dull coating or a matte coating, ink will permeate the paper and produce a different print result.  When using a paper with a superior fiber structure, the coating will be applied with a smoother uniformity.  The combination of smooth fiber and even coating on the paper will yield the best print results.

Conformer:  What kind of coatings can be found on paper? How do the coatings play a role in how ink looks when printed on the paper?

Feldman: Coatings can be applied to paper before and after paper is printed.

The coatings that are applied before printing give the consumer a choice of how she wants the design to reproduce.  A gloss coating will provide the most ink-holdout and produce the sharpest image.  It also is highly reflective and gives a printed piece the “bling” effect.  A dull coating or matte coating has less coating applied to the paper and gives the printed image a more subtle and smoother feel.  Ink will penetrate the coating more and produce a softer, yet more alluring, presentation to the design.

Coatings applied after printing are used for a number of reasons.  First and foremost, coatings applied after printing provide protection to the printed piece.  A UV gloss coating also provides additional bling, while a soft-touch aqueous coating can provide additional luxury.  These coatings can cover the entire printed piece, or they can be applied in certain areas.  When applying spot coatings, manufacturers can create unique design elements that draw the eye to branded messaging and provide the marketer with important branding techniques.

This is a meaty topic, isn’t it?  I know I learned something new today.  So stay tuned for Part 2 of my interview with Matt Feldman, which will be posted on Monday.  Click here for Part 2.

Sari McConnell at smcconnell@conformer.com

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